Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Hipsters piss me off.
They are the most horrible thing to crawl out from under cans of cheap beer. The clothes are alright (I like black, I like blazers, I like vintage tees) and I listen to some of the music - but then I find that's true with almost every subculture. Anyway, I thought emos were bad but dear lord the HIPSTERS. They're fucking everywhere with their stripes, dirty hair and 'holier than thou' attitude.
That's what pisses me off about them, really. The attitude. They truly believe they're being individuals but damnit there are thousands of them! And they're actually ripping off beatniks who ripped off the french and that just explains it all really. And even then the beatniks had the originality to come up with bongo drums.
I imagine the conversation between the above two 'deck' girls goes a little something like this:
Girl 1: (puffs on cigar) People are so lame.
Girl 2: I know, totally.
Girl 1: They're, like, fucking sheep. Just following whatever society deems is cool. It's so sad. They shop at their chainstores, listen to their mainstream music and go to their fucking franchises like everybody else.
Girl 2: Yeah, they suck.
Girl 1: Stop agreeing with everything I say.
Girl 2: Okay. So... You wanna go find striped tops/potato-sack dresses/butt-ugly-clothing-no-one-else-wears at that garage sale across the state? It's only like, 3 hours to drive there.
Girl 1: No, can't - gotta work.
Girl 2: Oh, cool - where?
Girl 1: (puffs on cigar) Starbucks.*
*It is a known fact that 9 times out of 10 a hipster is working behind the counter of one of the biggest franchises in the world.
You can't imagine how relieved I was to come to Brunei and not see a single hipster. There's no doub there will be some sooner or later, but for now I'm enjoying a break from chain-smoking, oversexed artists/musicians with carefully crafted sneers on their faces.
Wikipedia has some definition for the word 'hipster' that goes on about trendsetting and hepcats or something, but I think the Urban Dictionary explains it far better:
"The modern Bohemians. A mid-twenties person who works at a low paying job, is interested in 'artsy things'...hipster ladies should have short hair and wear thrift shop clothes and male hipsters should be anaemically skinny to let people know that they are poor and can't afford enough food."
"Twenty-something stroketard whose style of clothing conflicts with their demeanor, thus resulting in a spicy psudeo-intellectual with more flavor-of-the-month conversations than a long island prostitute."
"Hipster: I won't drink at starbucks, it's too corporate.
Non-Hipster: I want a Louis Vuitton purse because they are cool.
Hipster: You're such a conformist, having a Louis Vitton purse is so unoriginal. I like my purse I found in the gutter for $4 dollars.
Non-Hipster: But it's fugly.
Hipster: Yah, but no one else has it. It's completely unique.
Non-Hipster: That bum over there has something pretty similar though.
Hipster: You're ignorant because you can't see the real beauty in life. I don't have time for this, I'm gonna go to my cave of an apartment and listen to some indie rock you've probably never heard of...
Non-Hipster: You need to see a therapist.
Hipster: I am my own therapist."
"Listens to bands that you have never heard of. Has hairstyle that can only be described as "complicated." (Most likely achieved by a minimum of one week not washing it.) Probably tattooed. Maybe gay. Definitely cooler than you."
"Hipsters are also like the stem cells of every other 'counter culture'. Take a hipster, put an X on their hand, and they are straight-edge for the day. Take a hipster, put a black sweater on them, and they are emo. Take a hipster, put a chain on their wallet and give them a pink t-shirt and you have this years MTV punk uniform."
Some Things I Hate About The Cut & Paste Generation:
- The idea that anything uncool is cool. They play dodgeball, for god's sake. The irony is NOT worth it.
- Charles Bukowski. I haven't read a single thing by this dude but hipsters love him and that's reason enough for me to burn every single copy of his work. It's probably all nihilistic shit anyway.
- Their poses in photographs. Here are some basic rules to posing hipster-style, courtesy of Bob Castrone:
"Don't look directly at the camera, look off to the side as if to indicate that something really cool is happening. But please, don't be excited that something cool is happening."
"Show your breasts. And don't forget be angry/disinterested while doing so. Once again, you don't want to come off like a drunken sorority girl who's doing it for attention. They're sluts, you're unique and artsy."
"Guys, show your breasts. More specifically, show your breast (singular) ... Oh, and if you look bored while doing so you'll appear to be making a social statement... or something."
"If you have sunglasses... and you're inside... and it's nighttime... wear them. Totally."
- The way they own irony. I saw a t-shirt that said 'Die, Hipster Scum' but supposedly it's ironic so I can't wear it without looking like I'm one of Them. THANK YOU VERY MUCH, DIRTBAGS. I can't even get a decent t-shirt now.
To really make you understand how horrible it has become, I direct you to A Hipster Party Photoblog. Yes, they have their own photoblogs for their own uber-exclusive parties where they drink lots of shitty beer and lick each other's nipples while looking pissed off about it all (because they'd rather be at home 'musing over the way today's conformist society has degraded the standards of art and music' or something). There are a lot of these sites around, but I hijacked some photos from Misshapes to show you the situation we have on our hands.
#1 Must-Have Item: Striped clothing. Nothing says individualism like stripes. Nothing. Except maybe horn-rimmed glasses
...Which luckily for this guy, he has. You're a champ, man. And i really must say, the half-opened mouth look is quite arousing. Oh, if only i could be like you.
What annoys me about this photo is not the fact he hasn't followed any of the rules to posing like a hipster, but that he has the scarf i want. Die, hipst- Oh right - i can't say that anymore. Fuck.
This girl is hot. However, being a hipster, she knows she is.
Well, this is quite... something. I don't really know what to say here. Yeah - shake it, you sexy thang, shake it.
Uh oh. Looks like someone just told her they saw Paris Hilton in the same top. 'No wai!' O.O 
HAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAH!!! 
This reminds me of that drag queen. The one who sings 'chante. chante. chante chante chante'. Yeah, you know exactly what i'm talking about - don't pretend you don't. 
This guy threw me off. It's like he wandered into the club while on his way to pick up a sandwich and a copy of the PCMag. And he was just so uncool that the hipsters adored him. And made him Hipster King.
Ok, this chick is at every single Misshapes party and she has the exact same look in almost every single photo. Meet Wednesday Adams, all grown up.
He's cute - if you're into corpses. Then you're gonna have to fight Wednesday for him. 
All this needs is a black hoodie and it becomes two emo boys kissing. Again. 
The sad thing is his outfit probably cost more than my computer. And the look that just slurs 'i've been living in my uncle's basement for the past 11 years... where am i'? Priceless. 
I can't decide what's sexier in this photo: the dead-person facial expression or the granny cardigan tied around his trim waist.
Like, woah, dude.
Was he was going for 'deer caught in headlights' or 'serial killer mugshot'? ooh, you are a mystery.
HSAHHSHAHAHHAHHAHAHA I LOVE THIS GUY. The fact it's a totally different photo makes it even better.
These people read Vice magazine, which is a pretentious style bible. One of its regular columns is about Do's & Don'ts, where they post photos of people and judge them. I don't know whether they mean 'Do' as in 'do this style' or as in 'do the person in this photo' (hipsters are always having sex with someone so it wouldn't surprise me) but it's a bit weird how hipsters need a magazine to tell them what to do or not do - kind of defeats the purpose of being non-conformist, don't you think? Slightly... Maaaaybe. Probably. Yes.
I looked through the online section of Do's & Don'ts from the american Vice just for you. It was my first time even checking out this magazine and wow. They are just So Cool. I could never be like the people in the Do photos and I could never hope to get one of them in bed, either - not the man who's wearing knee-high red socks with flip flops, not the girl who's in the exact same top Sienna Bloody Miller wore ages ago... I should just go and slit my wrists because it's obvious my life is meaningless.
To dress like one of these people, buy your entire wardrobe from Urban Outfitters. We could discuss at length why exactly these 'individuals' buy their vintage/thrift/trashy clothing from a department store, but I'd rather spend my time on better things. Like cutting my nails or cleaning the fridge.
this was vultures at 9:57 PM
